I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
