I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
