M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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