Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
