Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize