Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Is it penis luge time yet?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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