Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
