Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize