Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My feet surprised me
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