So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
