atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
birth control should be required to get into college
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
