I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
