That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
