Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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