I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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