We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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