How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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