Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
