a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
