I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
