I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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