He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
