I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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