I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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