It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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