I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
