We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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