im six kinds of drunk right now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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