How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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