i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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