Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
