There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize