PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
