you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
