I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
