You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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