I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
