Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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