The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
