The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
