went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
