I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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