Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
how drunk are you?
Several
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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