She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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