"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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