Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
