She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize