so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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