you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
