omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
