Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize