Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
