it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
