sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
