I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
