She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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