it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
