Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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