just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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