So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
They are going to name an STD after you.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
