My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
