My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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