What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As shirtless as possible
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
