I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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