Four minutes until I can fart!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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