I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
