i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I showed him my bush... on skype.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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