If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize